Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
#MeanwhileinCanada
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Breaking news:
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself