DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
If I ignore life will it go away?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer