The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
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Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
#ProTip
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
HR said no more nunchucks.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition