WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
There’s only one good girl here!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own