I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You Might Also Like
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
me adding lol on a serious message
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater