Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today