ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
You Might Also Like
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.