Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
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Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
be careful
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog