I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
You Might Also Like
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.