So glad we cleared that up
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Barbie gone wild
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.