This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
So creative 😂
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.