Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?