[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Accurate
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…