Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
the three branches of government
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.