Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
You deplete me
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
This will never not be funny to me.