When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends