“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
April 1st is the class clown of days.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.