Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?