Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
You’re the water to my grease fire.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Yup….perfect score!
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.