My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
You Might Also Like
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.