REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”