People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.