Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
These are my roll models.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.