Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
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My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
But is it really??
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩