In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
as is their right
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)