My blood type is b hungry.
You Might Also Like
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
A choir of Spring onions
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”