Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.