I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.