ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Please do it!
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.