17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence