*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.