an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too