7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.