Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
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[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[on my way back to the posting caves]