Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
me doing my best
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.