Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Same post same
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.