I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.