Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
☠️☠️☠️
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.