Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
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Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.