I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?