Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You Might Also Like
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Everything reminds me of my ex
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Um … Hot Wings please