Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
You Might Also Like
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.