Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.