Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
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I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
#DesignFail