I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx