Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
i did the math
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I know karate and tons of other words.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush