bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You Might Also Like
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
He’s dead
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.