worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
This is a bad sign
Go hard or stay average
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther