I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
😬
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
is this how new cars are made??
my name if I was in the mob
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.