If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”